I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
