i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
