I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
