I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
