Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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