dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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