I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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