they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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