Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
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