someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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