I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
