Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize
