90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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