I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I wish you could order shots online.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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