the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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