Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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