So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
