Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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