I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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