someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
