Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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