What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
