im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
