Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
