Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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