Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
