Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
