i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
