Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
