I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
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Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
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I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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