ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Randomize
