i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
