broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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