I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
He had one of those small greek statue penises
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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