you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
