i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
