i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
