Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
