Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Then you guys just all showered together...?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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