this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
