i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
