You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
