yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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