dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
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