just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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