The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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