Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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