Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
i think i just lost a toe
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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