My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm getting married
To pizza
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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