Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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