Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
