My Higher Power is John Stamos
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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