she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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