He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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