I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
