What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
two words: eviction party
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
