I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
