he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Randomize
