mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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