Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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