We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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