Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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