i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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