I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I am midnight drunk by noon
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
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