I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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