I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
She has the best kind of daddy issues
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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