I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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