I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
