Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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